On Motherhood: Homemaker with three kids
Part 3 of a 3 part series on motherhood as both a working and stay at home mom. I spent the first part of my life as a mother working. Now as a stay at home mom of 3, I reflect on what I did, how I did it, and what I would advise my past self.
On Motherhood
Life with three kids
I spent the first part of my life as a mother working. I was blessed with two boys in the span of four years. Then, while pregnant with my third I was downsized and began life as a stay at home mom. This is my experience written in a three part series. See Part 1 Working full time with one kid and Part 2 Working full time with two kids.
Why have a third or a fourth or even a fifth?
I acknowledge all the parents out there who have one or two children and would not dare to have more. Most of my friends who are such, look at my gang with both dread and envy. On the one hand, I have a brood of kids. I have my girl to complement my boys. I have balance. I have it all. On the other hand, we take up a lot of space and joining in on the fun now multiplied by 5 means asking politely if its okay to bring the younger ones to birthday parties. Finding a babysitter to look after all three is complicated given the range of ages. We have started back again from the start with an infant.
In the beginning there were two kids. We were happy and had managed to adjust to the routine of things. Number two had just hit three years of age. I had given away my original crib, changing table, numerous baby items. The shop was closed.
Then one night my eldest, sleepwalking, stalked into my bedroom throwing the light switch on and waking us from our sleep. As he was walking in circles I imagined He in a dream state was looking for the toilet. So I directed him there and quietly worried that my son was possessed by some sort of ghost or demon. He looked at me with unseeing eyes and grinned and laughed without making any other sounds. I was reminded of tales of changelings. I managed to get him to bed and then put on a CD of Buddhist chants to appease the spirits and calm my nerves.
As I fell back asleep, I expected to have nightmares. Instead, I dreamed I was entering a bedroom. As I entered a small being jumped out of the closet and shouted “Boo!”. The toddler was clothed in nothing but a diaper and resembled my sons without being my son.
From the next morning onward, I could think of nothing else but that I must have another baby.
My husband, always the voice of reason, did not see it that way.
“You’re a miserable pregnant woman.” He chided and I was reminded of the last trimester with my second; ever present varicose veins and hip trouble. The subject was dropped for several months. Maybe it was my persistence or perhaps it was our second growing out of his toddler years but eventually my husband capitulated and we decided we would give it a couple of months to see if it was meant to be.
Fast forward to the future and it was meant to be!
Two kids and a fetus
Many of the tenants we had when we were pregnant with our second applied to my third pregnancy. However, it was the one pregnancy where I did not worry at all about miscarriage or issues. Perhaps it was the dream or it was the prior two experiences. More likely it was the knowledge that this was a baby created of my initiative and mine alone (in my heart of hearts) that drove me to silence any complaints and to bear all inconveniences.
I discovered this pregnancy I was overcome with nausea at the smell of fried onions and garlic. I went to Boston for a week long work retreat while pregnant and quietly dropped the news to my two closest work friends. I would soon wonder if life would have been different had I informed my boss.
A couple of weeks later on a call with work I was informed that I was being downsized. Five years helping build the company and I was out on my rear. I was more concerned the shock would affect the pregnancy, but it didn’t. I knew that there was no point starting a new venture at 9 weeks pregnant only to have to announce that I needed to go on maternity leave. In Canada maternity leave runs for a full year (now 18 months if approved by your workplace).
My husband and I checked our finances to make sure we could manage. With his blessing I entered a new chapter in my life, that of the stay at home mom.
The pregnancy proceeded as would be expected with its many doctor/midwife visits and tests. I took over drop off and pick up of the children. When insomnia hit, my husband would take over while I found time to sleep.
He soon discovered the perks of my not working. There would always be something freshly baked in the kitchen. Meals were ever ready and various in style. Boxes we had not unpacked since our move three years earlier were being put away. The house was being transformed. More importantly he had the freedom to come and go from his work as he pleased. He still contributed to household chores but I had taken over the laundry, cooking, and most of the childcare. He could attend to the things that had been falling off his list like garage cleanup. We both joined a gym and made time to go.
I helped the kids with their homework and spent more time with them at the park. When winter arrived, I was relieved of dog walking and walking outside in general. As the bump grew bigger, I was relieved of driving on account of the steering wheel. With girlfriends I painted my baby’s future room and found second hand furniture to replace the ones we had given away. I had never had so much time except when I was preparing for my first. I was never this relaxed while working and pregnant. I reconnected with old friends now having the time to meet up for lunch during the work week. However, always at the end of the day, I would pick up my boys from school and/or daycare and that was my job.
My one downside to my pregnancy was as the arrival date came closer I started having PTSD from my last delivery. I was worried that I or the baby would be injured. I pulled together a perfect team with my husband and a local Doulah.
The kids looked forward to their baby sister’s arrival. We had my parents and family friends close by to lend a hand.
We were incredibly lucky and I enjoyed every moment I had not working.
Three kids
Once baby three came, although I had a hand pump, I opted to breast feed. Third time the charm and perhaps it was my less anxious state, the milk flowed sufficiently through to 10 months. Around the 10 month mark, both she and I came down with a vicious cold that diminished her appetite and my milk supply sufficiently that it made sense to painlessly transition to formula.
As for the kids, we played the same game of granting ownership of their sister to them. We found time to spend with each individually. Yet, there were adjustments all the same.
My older son naturally was claiming more of his ‘own’ time to himself. As the big boy he grew too busy to jump on our bed in the morning for cuddles like his younger siblings. Instead, we would find him buried in books. I felt comfortable to leave the baby girl with him from time to time since he had the same possessive care over her that he had had with his brother. Age meant that he was simply more responsible and listened better to instructions.
My younger son had moments where he wanted attention, which we gave, and the moments passed. The three form a collective unit of them versus us, the parents. At the dinner table all three voices pipe up to be heard. The two older boys play together and talk together and occupy each other.
Earlier we were worried that the baby’s night time cries would wake the older two. After a week of wondering why their baby sister was up, they began sleeping through the noise. Finding peace in the understanding that everything was okay and normal was sufficient for the boys to continue with a good night’s sleep.
Challenges of being a home maker
Often with three kids it feels like the ‘fun’ never ends. I am often counting down the hours or minutes until they are all three in bed and silence finally descends on our house. There is time to quietly clean up a little and perhaps steal a moment to myself. More often than not cleaning up after the little minions drags to bedtime and then I must go to bed because it will all start again in the morning.
I studied for so long and worked for so many years that from time to time I catch myself staring wistfully out the window remembering when I used to make a good paycheck and had adult conversations.
It gets lonely when times become tough with sick kids or busy weekends. I can go a number of days without talking to anyone except for nagging the children and husband to make a move. I can feel burdened by the never-ending ‘mother-load’ of housework. Cooking, cleaning, and laundry are the three core subjects of my life. Weeks blur and I can see them go by as laundry day comes up again and again. When given X amount of time, you will fill it with Y activities where X can be a number between 0 and infinity. Had I a daytime job, I would simply be doing Y activities in a smaller amount of X.
There is a never ending stream of extra curricular activities to take a kid to and often times schedules can overlap. We started taking turns with our neighbors to take all the kids (theirs and whichever of ours) to the activity together. This way, we are free sometimes and busy sometimes but it feels less of a burden.
Micheal McIntyre eloquently explains the “constant battle” you have with children. As a mom you can not help but be endlessly nagging them and accepting less than was asked in the first place.Michael McIntyre — The Constant Battle Clip
There is a definite ‘fatigue’ that sets in when Thursday and Friday come along. At this point my husband wisely offers to clean the kitchen in the evenings. I find escape through writing and through spending time with friends.
The hardest task for me is to find time for myself and to use it on myself.
So it is that I have not yet found time to find a new job or the will to pursue opportunities in my network.
There is a bright silver lining to this: I have made friends in the neighborhood through the parents of my kids friends. I realized how much I missed out those first few years not meeting other parents on account of having a nanny to mind the two boys. Now, I meet the teachers regularly and am able to hear first hand about my child’s development. Before, I always wondered if I was doing enough. I feel every day that I am a part of my kids lives.
We do homework together. We bake. I teach them to clean up after themselves and to be respectful of each other. We still use the television as a temporary babysitter but for a family with three kids including an infant, my husband and I are able to sleep in on occasion.
Somehow, with three its easier than with two. We already know that as our kids grow older and more independent, life will become easier and chores will become shared.
I live with the expectation of an eventual return to some form of paid work.
Advice from the more experienced mom of three
- Find time for yourself: have an agreement with your partner for how to communicate when you need a time out and they need to take over
- Let the older kids take some responsibility over younger kids
- Encourage your kids to be independent and to help with the chores
- Practice gratitude each day with the kids especially when tempers are short
- The time out step is your friend, when in doubt put them all on it
- Have patience, everything will look like a bomb went off but that’s today. Tomorrow it will be all cleaned up again
- Trust that when the time prompts that you will know what to do
- Communicate with your children and partner, chose words over barking orders
- When all else fails, take a deep breath and laugh: cherish the moments even when you can’t get them to stop talking at you
- Enlist neighbors and friends to share the load for drop off and pick up
Go to Part 1: Working full time with one kid
Go to Part 2 Working full time with two kids
More like this:
D.M. De Alwis
